Rick gobbled a donut and stared fixedly at the newspaper which voluptuous women read: it was about him. It was about him, this lavish spread; of Rick Ames and donuts. The Martian men came out of the bathroom where they'd been conferring, re: the toilet paper which could be made much wider for big-bottomed people -- if they grew trees closer together. Men, the Martians knew, become big-bottomed after eating donuts. The newspaper Rick read detailed the number of donuts necessary to become big-bottomed, and it came itself from a densely populated grove of trees. The newspaper was printed as toilet paper prototype. When Rick reached the end of the typically flattering profile, he smiled with only one side of the mouth. The Martian men were stunned. ``Why not both sides, Ames? You look only one half happy. Which, if sadness is not negative happiness -- that is, we postulate that absolute zero happiness is death, and that sadness is at... oh, about five, maybe; then true happiness would be ten. So half-happy is sad; inasmuch as half ten is five, which is what we have defined sadness to be.''
``You guys rate as the least likely to achieve a smack over the head with a rolled-up newspaper, as you are the least like any dog that I have had the pleasure of greeting with a firm handshake.'
``On Mars, we torment dogs by giving into their every desire. Since they like really disgusting things, they soon bcome morose as their deeds become public knowledge. You see, Ames, on Mars, that newspaper you just finished reading would not be about you any more unless you were a dog. Then it would not only be about you, but it would be rolled into a tight roll, and levied upon your snout with force.''
``I thought you didn't do that.''
``No, we do.''
``I guess I misunerstood.''
``Yeah, probably.''
``I think I've lost some interest in the continued pursuit of knowledge from you gents.''
``Also, the paper would be for the toilet. You'd not read it so much as wipe your butt with it. But as you may have noticed, our eyes are butt-eyes, so we read in the bathroom.''
``We too.''
``Yeah, yeah, but admit please that it is not the same, and that you don't have to read every blasted time as we do.'
``You could close your eyes... ''
``Can't: toilet's too small: might miss it entirely.''