Rick Ames and the Guys from the Distant Galaxy

1. Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we present an ill-starred story of the cosmos. Our sun: no more than a cheaply gilt ball of fabric! Our planet Earth: A place where kleptomania is considered injurious! Where stories are invisible if they are too ``abstract.'' And whose mode of dress is irrationally based upon whims of fashion, rather than being determined by a vote.

1a. I sign my stories in broken pencil: there's no fasting the meat of the bones of this libretto's slam-damaged frame. The words exist in the stomach first.

1b. I have sorrows to report: that my attempt to play possum failed yesterday. Steelworkers smashed my car to bits. Penniless friends of mine had to slip by the guy at the door by native cunning; they are here consuming jukebox songs and the jokes of the planet's sweetest orchestra. Our president promised ``One waffle for everyone and every thing.''

1c. Given my lack of experience with aliens, I wondered what city would they arrive in? Would they pathetically fart about in Europe like some homesick college kids? Viewing it all as a monument to eeriness? Or as a bunch of stupid silos stuffed with Picassos and pigs? Or would they appear in New York, wasting time in ass-first regressive jazz dives?

2. Last night I lifted my binoculars to my eyes and saw the aliens infiltrating my neighborhood. Now, I'm not opposed to quiet, nor do I want to slam cleanliness, but the blaring gorgeousness of purple flowers overgrowing our house had likewise not been going unnoticed. So when that expedition of rigid-minded aliens lined my street, well, gentlemen and ladies, you can imagine the sound of the eight symphonies of Bruckner I played simultaneously until, bored of the accidental dissonance of bunches of seconds and tritones, I employed a guitarist whose reawakening cattail-sonics had to banish these space-visitors from my midst. But they would not go.

3. Now they're staying at a friend's house in El Cerrito -- a computer programmer named Ames. And what we'd like to know is whether the original explorers were competent, because these ones staying with Ames are not. I'm afraid we've got a bit of a problem.

4. They pulled into town in April. ``Hey Ames!'' they said. ``Hey guys!'' said Ames. ``I haven't seen you since you had me abducted from that cornfield in Iowa!''

4a. ``Man -- we keep telling you Ames: that wasn't us. It must have been someone else who looked like us!''

5. Ames raised his eyebrows and muttered, loud enough that his visitors yelped. ``Your eyebrow raising is too loud, Ames! Wait -- what did he just mutter?''

5a. ``I don't know; the eyebrows and my yelping drowned it out.''

6. ``I said, `Yeah, right.' They (my abductors) just happened to look exactly like you, and they came from the same planet as you, and they looked at my driver's license to get my address -- just as you must have done because here you are!''

6a. ``Posh! We looked you up in the phone book!'' ``Yeah! And lots of people come from our planet!'' they said.

7. Rick shook his head sadly. ``Your tiny pants are on fire from all the lying you've been doing. Come on: the only time we spent together was on your spaceship during that segment of my abduction which was devoted to prodding me and tormenting me, so that's the only place you could know me from, and it's clear form our friendly greetings that we do know each other.''

7a. ``No it isn't, Ames! We just like you!'' they said. ``But you are crazy beyond our help if you think we're your friends. We're just here to hang out for a bit. We know no one else on this planet. Maybe you can introduce us around, and we'll get into some `tight spots' and `scrapes' from which Batman and/or Superman will rescue us. We have some kryptonite of indeterminate color that we would like to try on them. Do you know if Batman will lose his powers of reason or speech?''

8. Ames shrugged. ``Batman's a real jerk. You wouldn't want to meet him. I know a guy who used to work for him -- guy's name is Robin? And Batman just totally repudiated him one day, just because Robin made some mistake driving the batmobile back from one of those lousy parties at Commissioner Gordon's office.''

8a. ``Oh, wow! That's really lame! Batman didn't even give this guy any warning? Maybe it isn't lame: maybe that's how they do it here?'' asked one alien of the other.

8b. ``Perhaps,'' said the other, waiting nervously for Ames to respond. Clearly neither alien enjoyed hearing about this side of the Cowled Crimefighter -- but Ames was inexorably demystifying that individual for them.

9. ``What's worst is the way he did it,'' said Ames. ``He called Robin in for a meeting, told him he was fired, and then had security guards walk Robin off the premises. In front of Aunt Harriet and Alfred. Robin didn't even get a chance to clean his desk.''

9a. The aliens shook their heads sadly. ``Did he have lot of personal stuff on his desk?'' one asked.

10. ``Who?'' said Ames. ``Oh! Robin? Well, yeah! Robin had momentos and memorabilia from encounters with King Tut, the Riddler, and Mr. Frigid!''

10a. ``Mr. Freeze? Wow! Do you think we could meet the Riddler?''

11. Ames laughed. ``The original Riddler? Yeah, he's over here all the time. He comes by to watch TV! His own set was compounded by the police because they found marijauna seeds on it. Every time you turned it on, you could smell the dope smell. It's just as well that he's rid of it. Or sometimes we go over to the Peddler's place -- he's got a big screen.''

11a. ``Who's the Peddler?'' asked one alien.

12. ``He's the Riddler's older brother,'' explained Ames. ``He just sells junk door-to-door.''

12a. ``Oh! We understand!'' the aliens nodded. ``You mean like lightbulbs and magazine subscriptions?''

13. Ames squinted at them. ``Man, what planet you guys from?'' Ames scratched his head. ``Oh -- wait -- yeah, I guess people do sell those things here too.''

13a. ``And candy bars!'' said the aliens and Ames together, causing us all to laugh ruefully.